Sunday, December 6, 2015
When the nurse called us, I called Gittel, who turned immediate and came back over to mommy as the two of us followed the nurse. I picked Gittel up and carried her back, as she was a little nervous, and seemed to sense a little suspiciously something was up. She responded to my reassuring hugs and loving whispers. She watched the nurse carefully as we took her weight and I answered the usual questions. When the nurse left, we continued to play in the small office as we waited for the Dr. We sang a couple of her favorite songs, she explored the office a bit and we walked up and down the hallway while we waited some more. Pretty soon it was our turn to be seen.
There was a gentle knock on the door and the Dr walked in. At 14 months, most of the questions were about her development and her overall health, which thank G-d, seemed to be right on track. There was also the basic autism screening questioner, which, ever since Sruly, I see both as a relief and somewhat of an annoyance. A relief, because as soon as the kids are born, I am scrutinizing their development and thank G-d relieved when I see everything is developing as it should and happy to answer the questions. A bit of an annoyance, because as the parent of a child with sever autism, for goodness sake, I can write the questioner, and it would be a lot more detailed then the one they have!....Not to mention that most of the time I seem to know more about autism then they do, so just ask me point blank on if I think she is at risk or possibly on the spectrum. What they should be asking the parent is, if the child may be at risk for vaccine injury based on their health history. How many rounds of antibiotics has the child received since birth etc... In our case, she had received two rounds the previous year due to strep, so pumping a child such as this the whole year with the typical vaccine schedule in hindsight, is like playing Russian Roulette. She was otherwise thank G-d a healthy baby. She nursed beautifully (full time!), no acid reflux or need for Zantac, no skin issues, no thrush etc... Even with all of these questions it may still be difficult to predict what the outcome of a vaccine may be.
But instead I waited patiently and answered the questions.
Dr: "Is she making eye contact?"
Dr: "Does she respond to you when you come into the room?"
Dr: "Does she seem interested in other kids? Does she play with them?"
Dr. "Does she use her hands or fingers in an inappropriate way?"
I love this question. What they are trying to ask is, does the child exhibit any stimulatory behavior?
After a few more questions, and thank G-d an uneventful visit the Dr said the nurse will be in shortly to administer the vaccines which Gittel is due for. He wished us a good day and walked out. Soon the nurse entered and asked us if we were interested in the chicken pox vaccine that day in addition to her MMR. Thank G-d I said no. I am honestly not sure what went through my mind then and why I said no so quickly. I had not even thought about it prior to the visit. (I only learned later that you never give two live vaccines in one day.) The nurse didn't seem to mind that we turned down the chicken pox vaccine and proceeded to prepare the vaccine for the MMR. Gittel briefly cried as I held her close, reassuring her with soft words and hugged her. The visit was over. When we got home, Gittel seemed understandably a little worn out, however that evening she developed a fever.
By the next morning she still had a fever. What was more worrisome to me, was that she stopped looking at me and just sat on the floor not wanting to do much else. She didn't look to distract herself with her discomfort, and despite the pain killers I gave her to bring down the fever, she didn't perk up when the fever went down. She wasn't responding to me trying to engage with her. She almost seemed like her world had consumed her. Alarmed, I mentioned this to my husband, hoping he could make this stop, or pull out his crystal ball and tell me that she would indeed go back to herself soon. He responded that he felt she was just feeling under the weather and would soon perk up.
By day two the fever was still there. I watched with a sinking heart as she failed to respond to her name. She just sat there. She looked sad and miserable. I wondered if she felt confused. Oh how I wanted to know what she was thinking. What was going on in that brain of hers. What was she feeling? What was hurting? What did she want me to do to help make her better? Still no eye contact. I got in her face, cooed, laughed, did our usual funny games, but to no avail. She didn't respond to our chase games or the thrill of Mommy coming to chase her. She wouldn't even smile. She still cried when she was hungry, and those intimate moments of nursing I treasured dearly. Somehow instinctively I knew I needed to help flush out her system, so I began with the most natural and soothing thing I knew. We stopped all solid foods and went back to strictly nursing around the clock. She was all too happy to comply.
Day three the fever was still there. I was almost pleading with my husband to see what I was seeing. I was hoping I was wrong, but I was scared. I was scared that I was right. My husband still tried to reassure me that she was not herself because she was still under the weather. She not only stopped eye contact, she avoided it! No smiles, she stopped responding to her name, she didn't respond to our usual fun and games, she didn't even stop to watch her siblings, let alone interact with them. She seemed to be just dealing. Dealing with what life had just thrown at her. With what life had just thrown at us.
After 3 days, her fever subsided. For the next couple of weeks I kept trying to interact with her, to engage with her, to get eye contact, smiles, something! But there was nothing. She moseyed around the house in her own little world. She was busy. Very busy. Almost alarmingly busy. Before all of this she used to knock down the occasional book from the bookshelf, as do most buys toddlers, and when caught in the act by either my husband or myself, she would giggle and scream in sheer delight knowing that we were coming closer to get her and tickle her away from her little game. It was her game of both exploring and of successfully capturing our attention. Now, however, she seemed like she was on a very serious mission to wipe out the entire bookshelf over and over again and stopped responding to our playful drama in coming to get her. It was during one of these episodes about 3 weeks after she received her shot, that my husband finally realized that I wasn't just being overly worried. There was indeed something alarming here..... and all too familiar.....
Once my husband realized, it was then, that everything suddenly seemed official. Until then I was hanging on to the small hope that perhaps I really was just worrying too much. It was then that the tears began to fall. The next few months were full of prayer, supplements, therapy and more prayer. We did take her to specialist who confirmed mild Encephalitis, but I was too afraid to take her back to her original Dr, assuming he would just dismiss our case upon hearing that it was vaccine related.
I was beside myself. I couldn't believe this was happening to a second child. How could I have been so stupid 12 years ago in letting the doctors convince me that vaccines were still safe. That the pros very much so outweighed the cons. That all of this would have happened anyway. I once again found myself in tears before G-d. "Please," I begged, "Don't let this happen to another child." I don't think I have ever asked my Grandmothers who have passed away, to help me beseech G-d and ask Him to help, but I did. I began praying and asking my Grandmothers and a dear and special Great Aunt to please daven for her as well.
A few months went by, and thank G-d she began to smile again. During this time we continued with supplements, therapy, nursing, praying and more praying. One night, after a couple of more months had gone by, I tearfully began to daven. I am not sure if this was the right thing to do, but I asked G-d that if this was truly the decree, if this is what was meant to be, if He could please, please lessen the severity and make it mild. Please not so sever.
Little by little she began to give us better eye contact. She still preferred not to, but if we got in her face she didn't actively turn her head to avoid us. She still didn't react to us if we were coming to play chase with her from across the room, but if we got in her personal space, she began to respond with smiles and giggles. She also seemed to once again, love being in the company of her siblings and cousins.
It is almost a year later, and thank G-d she has come along way. She still does not communicate her needs, but she has begun to label. She still does not responds to her name or turns when you call her, but she does get excited with interactive games like chase, dancing and peek-a-boo. Thank G-d she has the most beautiful smile and infectious little giggle. She is back to enjoying looking at picture books, and loves sitting and playing next to other children, including her siblings. When we initiate, she will happily join in, in interactive play. Although part of me is still hopeful, part of me is still fighting and yet part of me still doesn't want to think too much about it, we are still watching her very carefully. The specialist that we went to said that at this young age, they are still hesitant to put an official diagnosis on paper because children this young can still respond beautifully to appropriate supplements and therapies. "The body," he told us, "is a self riding ship."
I did eventually gather up the courage to return to the original Dr who's office administered the vaccine. When he finished hearing our story and reading the reports he responded that in all of his many years of practice, he has never seen a reaction to a vaccine like this. While I did find this hard to believe, he did, however, agreed that it most defiantly was looked like a vaccine injury. He was kind enough to encourage us to file, stating that if we needed a letter from his office he would gladly give one. Just as our visit was ending he did say something that has both scared me and has turned me off since. He looked at us and said, "I think we should hold off on vaccines for the next three months." I looked at him, completely dumbfounded, almost not believing what we were hearing. After all of this, if this was still his view, I realized it wasn't worth my time or emotional energy to argue. We promptly ended the visit and walked out.
I know everything that goes on in this world is all part of G-d's master plan, but sometimes I wish I could just ask G-d what exactly does He want me to do? What do I need to fix? What do I need to do to improve? I do thank G-d everyday for giving us life, for keeping us together, for blessing us with all of the beautiful gifts and Brachot He has blessed us with and for blessing us with the beautiful tests that He has so carefully chosen. I pray that we, along with all of Klal Yisrael be blessed with immense light, love, simcha, brachot, good mazal, nachas, and long life and may we all merit to greet Moshiach speedily in our days.
We are ready, Hashem.
We are oh, so ready.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Imagine if one day, an old man came up to you and said, "Tomorrow your child has a well child check up, and is due for some shots. Your child has developed beautifully so far! He is friendly, sweet, social, sensitive and incredibly loving.... however that may all stop. You have two choices. You can follow through with the shots, and never get the child that you once knew back. He will never again talk. There will be endless sleepless nights, you will need to quit your job so you can stay up all night with him. He will always need help in the bathroom, well into adulthood. There will be tantrums and screaming that will bring you both to your knees in tears. You will need to add numerous locks in your house to keep the child safe, some of which Child Protective Services will sight you for. There will be times that he will refuse to wear clothes because the fabric feels like pins and needles on his skin, but if you don't succumb to the screaming and force him to wear his clothes, the neighbors will (once again) call Child Protective Services. He will avoid most food so you will be on your toes supplementing with essential vitamins and minerals to keep him healthy, but if the child can detect even a hint of supplements in his food, he will reject it, causing even more challenges in his development and behavior. When he is in pain and upset, but can't tell you because he has lost the ability to communicate, he will begin to throw everything and anything he can get his hands on. You may find your personal belongings have been thrown out the window, precious items have been broken, Bar Mitzvah gifts of the other children are no longer usable. There will be tears, many tears. Your once private, peaceful and calm home will become an open house to many, many therapists, and if after many years, should you need a break and want to limit or stop them from coming because the intense therapies and complete lack of privacy have brought you to tears, you will be questioned and accused. But you should know that through all of this you are protecting all other children, both in your community and around the world from certain illnesses, so this is all for a greater cause. Or....
You may choose to not follow through with the shots tomorrow, and you can keep your beautiful healthy child that you now know, but this comes at a cost as well. The cost is that you will constantly be bullied by the medical profession, neighbors and friends who you once thought you trusted and knew as friends will call and report you for child neglect, child abuse, demand that your kids be taken away and you thrown in jail. Verbal abuse and accusations from friends will become the norm. Family will question you, challenge you and in some cases, may even want to have nothing to do with you.
The only thing I can promise you is, that no matter which path you choose, you will be blessed with an inner strength known to few people. Whichever path you choose, G-d will be right there, holding your hand, loving you and guiding you, walking with you every step of the way.
Now tell me, which path will you choose?
Friday, July 17, 2015
But is it all worth it? At the end of the day, when I have cleaned up, rearranged, wiped, sprayed and organized for the trillionth time (literally), is it all worth it? I will give you a resounding Yes! And i thank G-d for a beautiful and colorful mess full of colorful and suspiciously sticky fingers and little bodies and the list goes on. In my teenage years, if G-d would have shown me a glimpse of our future mess, I probably would have fainted on the spot. Am I brave enough to show you pictures of our beautifully messy house with the kids in action before mommy digs real deep for that last little bit of mental energy to clean up again? (forget physical energy, that was lost a long time ago). Uh, no, definitely not brave enough. Anyway, the pictures of our toddler and one year old covered in chickpea flour (thanks to our toddler who was filling an awesome sensory need), she was not exactly dressed appropriately, if you can even call it that, so I will leave that up to your imagination. ...so here are just a few of our safe pictures. ;)
She did this in probably 3 seconds flat. I literally had just turned my back to get a drink of water.....
Monday, July 13, 2015
Every year I hold my breath when we get to the three weeks. One year, on the Shabbos before the ninth of Av (so what on earth was I thinking taking my kids to the park that morning????) My son fell off the zip line and broke his humerus. He needed 3 pins to hold the bones in place. Another year ( this was just as we were entering the 9 days), we were driving home, and on the on ramp, our youngest daughter began a 20 minute complex seizure. Needless to say that was the first time I have ever driven backwards on an on ramp... so yes, when the three weeks approach I tend to get a little nervous. Last week, one of little ones spiked a high fever with a 24 hour virus. Watching her, I knew that if the baby would get it, there was a good chance of a fiberal seizure..... now if I was a betting woman.....!
last night, I carried up a very tired little one off to bed. We curled up together under the covers and she began to nurse. After a few seconds somethings didn't feel right. She was still sucking, but even in the dark I could see her eyes open really wide and she gave a fixed stare looking up and to the right. Those wide eyes scared me. I had seen that stare before. Her neck stiffened a bit. I called her name, stroked her head and adjusted her position. With her eyes open wide, she continued to stare. As soon as her neck started twitching I knew something was wrong. Watching the clock, I yelled for my husband. We took her temperature and sure enough she had a fever. It wasn't so high, but a fever nonetheless. Her hands twitched a little, but that stare, that stare was really all it took for me to know. We rushed her downtrairs. I stroked her, called her, I felt myself getting a little chocked up. We were 5 min in and her lips were blue. By the time the parametrics came, just a few minutes later, it was over. We called her pediatrician and asked him what to do. This may sound funny or obvious to you, but having gone through our share of seizures, once this was over it almost seemed like a walk in the park. I felt like, "oh! It's over! Few! Thank G-d (a million times over)! And just a fiberal seizure, nothing fancy like our other child." (She pulled so much shtick and needed to spice things up with her seizures, as if life wasn't exciting enough.) Needles to say, our wise Dr said it most likely is just a fiberal seizure caused by a virus, bit they don't like diagnosing those things over the phone, especially since hers was about 6 min long. So off we went with the EMT. As expected, she was still quite out of it, but I was relieved to have an additional set of watchful eyes, keeping a close eye on her.
It was almost 4 am. My husband woke up Yehuda, one of my brothers, to come over and watch the kids while he went to pick us up. As my brother walked over in the dark in his pj's, slippers and button down shirt, and approached our house, he heard some crying. Yes, our toddler had gotten up and needed her passionate and intense toddler world to calm down. As much as I dream of living on a farm, I know we would kill the roosters with insomnia. Perhaps my son's idea of getting a chinchilla isn't such a bad idea after all.....
Well, all's well that ends well, thank G-d. I should add here that this was the second time we called emergency this week, but the first time was much less eventful, except for the fact that when the paramedics asked me for the name and birthday of our toddler, of course I panicked and completely blanked. Our toddler just gave me quite a scare, enough for me to be in tears and call 911, my entire being and all of my brain cells are focused on her well being, and your going to throw the name and date thing at me? With a panicked and probably a bit of a sorrowful look on my face, I turned to my husband for help, who thankfully came to my rescue. Flawlessly I might add.
I thanked my brother for coming over in the wee hours of the morning at such short notice. I was so grateful he came with his usual layed back happy self, despite being suddenly woken up. In no way did he make me feel like we had inconvenienced him at all. Smiling, he looked up at me and said, "It seems you have very religious kids who hold the Jewish calendar close to their heart."
Thank G-d for the little things.
Photos by Mendel B
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Monday, June 22, 2015
How do you handle messy diapers?
How do you get all of the poop off?
How do you change a cloth diaper when out in public?
What do you do with the dirty diaper when out in public or at a play date?
Can you bleach them?
What if the baby has a yeast infection?
Umm, diaper creams, lotions? Can I use them with cloth diapers?
How do you wash them, on what temperature and how often?
Do you put them in the dryer?
How many do I need?
How do you get stains out?
What name brands do you like? (My head was spinning with the choices.)
My parents did cloth diapers, using a local diaper service for many years, so the concept was not foreign to me, however I still never thought of cloth diapering as something I would do. My parents, having been cloth diaper pros, gave me some great tips and pointers which were very helpful. So after a few months of reading, asking questions and reading some more I was finally ready to start. I would like to share with you how we do it, all the way from the liquid laundry soap that we use, to handling those messy diapers on the go.
Our Homemade Liquid Laundry Soap
There are many recipes online for homemade liquid laundry soap, all similar to one another and very cost effective. Does it work? Well I think our sparkling white, clean cloth diapers, which have seen there share of the messy end of things speaks for itself. We pretty much used this recipe from Wellness Mama, the only difference is that instead of using just one bar of soap we use two.
What you need:
2 Bars of soap (We use Ivory.)
5 Gallon bucket
How it's Done:
1) Grate two bars of soap.
2) Add the shredded bars of soap to a pot filled with two quarts of hot water. Gently boil until completely dissolved. Set aside.
3) Fill your 5 gallon bucket with 4.5 Gallons of hot tap water.
4) Pour in 1 Cup of Borax and 1 Cup of Washing Soda. Mix well until dissolved.
5) Now add your dissolved soap mixture that you had set aside to the 4.5 gallons of water. (Now you have 5 gallons of liquid laundry soap.) MIX WELL!
6) Cover and let sit overnight.
7) Shake or stir, then pour into smaller containers so you can give it a quick shake before each use.
We use one cup per load. Enjoy!
I would like to add that on occasion I do add white vinegar and a scoop of Oxiclean. I understand that vinegar is not the greatest on the PUL fabric or the diaper covers, but we have been doing this for the past two years and the diapers seem none the worse for wear. One thing we do not do, is put the diaper covers in the dryer on high heat! Hang dry them to lengthen the life you get out of them.
How do we handle the poop factor?
This tip came from my parents. Many parents today choose to set aside the messy diapers in a dry / wet bag for a day or two until they are ready to wash. While this is what I typically do, I do things a little differently if the diapers are particularly soiled, or if there is a stomach bug going through the house. When my parents did cloth diapering, the soiled diapers were put into a bucket filled with cold water and some borax. (Of course you need to make sure this bucket is out of reach from little explorers. You don't want anyone going in head first! We keep ours behind the basement door.) This functions as a pre-wash so when you are ready to wash your diapers they wash out beautifully. Occasionally I will also add some oxiclean and baking soda. In the past I have added tea tree essential oil and/or oregano essential oil if I suspected a yeast related rash. The essential oils help kill bacteria and any residual odor. Although the oregano is more potent and is said to kill any bacteria a bit more efficiently, I prefer the tea tree oil because it's not as pungent of a smell. Again, I don't typically add the essential oils because after a while it can cause build up in the diapers.
I have since sold most of our Grovia and Bumgenius stash because I have found double gusset diapers to work much better for us, so these are pictures of our old stash. (In the pictures they are about one year old.)
From Left to Right: Alva, Grovia and Bumgenius all nice and white.
Cloth Diapering on the Go...and which diapers we use.
These are the items I bring when we are out and about:
1) Clean, ready to use cloth diapers.
We have tried quite a few different brands of cloth diapers. I have learned that what works best for our babies and toddlers, are diapers with a double gussets. They seem to do a much better job at catching everything. We started out with BumGenius and Grovia Hybrid. I loved that they were so easy to use, as pre-folds and flat diapers seemed so daunting in the beginning. I have since sold and replaced them, and we now use diaper covers with double gussets from Rumparooz and Thirsties, with pre-fold cloth diapers from OsoCozy (I have a few flat diapers). We also have a few diapers and training pants form Best Bottom. In the beginning I thought there was no way I was going to do pre-fold diapers. It just seemed way too complicated, however I have fallen in love with them. They are by far the most cost effective way of diapering and are really not so complicated after all. The diaper covers are also quite fitted, so I can get away without using any diaper pins or snappies. You do need to follow the pre washing instructions for the OsoCozy cloth diapers because it does help to ensure maximum absorbency.
2) A wet / dry bag to place any wet or soiled diapers into while on the go. (Yes, it's as simple as that!)
I like to add a few sprays of our homemade diaper spray into the wet bag. It has tea tree essential oil and lavender essential oil which helps enormously with any smelly diapers as well as with bacteria. Tea Tree oil also has strong antiseptic and germicidal properties. (I don't think your average person will even get so much as a hint of any smell from a messy diaper on the go.)
As soon as we get home I scrape off what I can into the toilet and then transfer them to our larger wet-bag until ready to wash. If they are particularly soiled I let the diapers sit in a bucket of cold water and borax, baking soda and our homemade laundry soap. Again, this acts as a pre-soak and makes washing the diapers a dream. Our homemade liquid washing soap is also very effective in its cleaning ability and minimizes, if not eliminates the common cleaning problems that many moms face, like staining and residual smell when using the laundry soap on the market specifically for cloth diapers. Most of the time I really don't need the soak bucket, but one of our babies had particularly loose stool (until I figured out that gluten was the culprit), so those diapers typically soaked in a bucket for a day or two days until I was ready to wash them.
3) A spray bottle filled with our homemade diaper wipe spray.
4) Pre-cut paper towels (I use this instead of baby wipes), or cloth wipes.
A couple of months ago I was brave enough to switch to cloth wipes, but if you choose paper towels I want to clarify here that in order to make the paper towel soft against the baby's skin, I would first spray the paper towel with a generous amount of liquid and then wipe the baby's bottom with the moist paper towel which is now not abrasive anymore. It is so much easier to clean the baby's skin this way then with traditional disposable wipes. For a really messy diaper I find I don't need more then 4 small (half cut) pieces of paper towels or 2 cloth wipes. The homemade baby wipe spray also really cleans! I never smell any lingering evidence on the baby's skin of what the previous diaper was cooking.
5) A small tupperware or mason jar container filled with organic coconut oil or french green clay that I use as a diaper cream. Two of our children had very sensitive skin and were constantly getting all kinds of diaper rashes despite allergy testing, steroid prescription creams, eliminating wheat, soy, dairy and nuts, you name it we did it and nothing seemed to work, until my sister-in-law introduced me to french green clay. I found there is a little science behind using it.
In the event of a diaper rash, I like to air out their bum with one or two cotton training pants. This is the equivalent of wearing cotton diapers without the diaper cover so their skin can really breath. An hour at a time is what I can do since I need to be on the look out for little puddles to wipe up. Preferably two times a day but even if I only do this once a day and the rest of the day use cloth diapers, the rash goes away much quicker then with disposables. My favorite "creams" to use are coconut oil and french green clay, which I will tell you in a moment how we make it. We do experience dramatically less rashes in general with the cloth diapers then with disposables and since I have zeroed in on different food allergies and a little trick with the clay, thank G-d we have been rash free for quite some time now. If at any time I do notice a little bit of redness on the baby's bum, I immediately use the clay and by the next couple of diaper changes, the redness is typically gone.
My friend Devorah explained to me that there are certain ingredients that should not be used with cloth diapers when using diaper rash creams or barriers for extra sensitive skin. It's a good thing she told me that because it didn't even dawn on me that some ingredients would pose a problem. I also found more information on diaperwrecker.com.
Drying the Diapers
I always line dry. Many mothers have found sun drying them to help with any stubborn stains, but depending on where you live that may not always be an option. I would love to sun them, but often times the weather doesn't permit that, so instead they get the glorious view of our basement.
Let me know if I can answer any more questions!
Photos below by Mendel B